From: People Covered In Fish Subject: Re: HAIR LOSS?..Swear to the Shadow Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 23:46:12 -0400 On Tue, 7 May 1996, Lee Spires wrote: > I don't recall any of the forsaken having hair loss problems. Maybe > the DO will give you eternal life AND a full head of hair. That's a > bargain. [Demandred appears on the TV screen, smiling broadly] DEM: Is hair loss getting YOU down? Are you, too, plagued by premature baldness? Would you SELL YOUR SOUL to move that hairline forward an inch or two? Well, as a fellow channeler of saidin, I know exactly what you're talking about. Rotting disease SUCKS, doesn't it? But good news! Now you can escape the effects of the taint, live forever, AND keep a full head of hair! No uncomfortable or embarrassing Weaves are necessary. All you need to do is swear eternal fealty to the Great Lord, and He'll do the rest! Hundreds of satisfied clients can't be wrong... [Flash "before" and "after" pictures of Aginor and Balthamel] AGIN'GAR: Well, yeah, I was losing my hair. My skin. Hell, my entire face. Another century in Shayol Ghul, and I might have looked like Balthamel... heh heh. BALTHAN'GAR (sulkily): Hmmph. AGIN'GAR: But then I joined the Great Lord, and my entire life was changed! I got this whole new scalp, that won't fall apart when I'm out surfing or showering or Skimming. I can run my hand through it, and... gah... (pulls out gholam, wipes it off on pants) ...you never know where these damn things are hiding... Anyway. Now I've got a new lease on life and the best body in the borderlands, and the ladies are all over me... unlike Balthamel... heh heh. BALTHAN'GAR (sourly): Gnnnnhh. DEM: Intrigued? Want to hear more? [Rand stumbles onto the screen, gnawing his scepter and drooling] RAND: Ilyena... Ilyena liked men with hair. Tel Janin always envied me that, with his shining forehead. And Demandred. Demandred was going bald... Must KILL! KILL THEM ALL!... NO, you flaming madman! Oh, Ilyena! DEM (his smile suddenly a bit fixed): All you insane male channelers need worry no more about baldness. We scientifically remove the hairs from the palms of your hands and transplant them to your scalp! It's painless, cheap, and 100% effective-- and will completely transform your whole outlook on life! The taint, the madness, the early hair loss and inevitable death by rotting-- all this will be a thing of the past! You'll be back in the high life: seducing queens, dominating nations, training countless innocent channelers to betray the Dragon Reborn... Even your own friends won't recognize you! [Davram Bashere appears on screen, squinting suspiciously] BASHERE: Taim? That you? DEM (chuckling): See? And we stand fully behind every job we do. If you die unsatisfied, hey, we'll just bring you back for another try! [small print at base of screen: We are not legally responsible for death by balefire] DEM: So what are you waiting for? Get connected today! We're waiting to take your call. Just call 1-800 S-H-A-I-T-A-N... and our eye will be on you in an instant. [Deep voice rumbles in the far distance] "AND REMEMBER: I'M NOT ONLY THE _PRESIDENT_ OF THE HAIR CLUB FOR DARKFRIENDS..."